The Trouble With Horcruxes
by Vaneria Potter
Summary: Horcruxes have been documented before, and Voldemort is far from the only person to have sought immortality... NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! HUMOUR BORDERING ON CRACK FIC!


_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, though JKR probably never came up with a plot like this!_

_Summary: If Horcruxes have been made before, why are there no other Dark Lords/Ladies from Ages Past running around? Humour Fic. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!_

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**HORCRUXES: DO THEY WORK?**

Nagini reared high at Voldemort's side, one pale hand caressing her scaly head as the Dark Lord crowed over Harry Potter's seemingly lifeless body.

If the situation had not been so dire, many of the Hogwarts Defenders (Certainly the Muggle-Born and Half-Blood with access to the Evil Overlord List) would have been rolling their eyes. As it was, they started to perk up. When Evil Overlords stopped fighting to brag or gloat about their enemies impending demise, it was a sign that Fate was about to go into Bitch-Mode and throw an industrial-sized wrench in the works.

Fate was being a Bitch with a perchent for dramatics today; as Voldemort's pre-emptive Victory SpeechTM was cut short by a loud "_bang!"_ and a cloud of obnoxiously-brightly-coloured-yet-somehow-ominous smoke.

A Wizard of Slavic looks and livid countenance appeared from the haze. "I am Koschei the Deathless! How dare you steal my idea for immortality?"

A tall, brown-haired and equally irate witch joined the party. "I am Elizabeth Bathory! What made you think you were the only one to use Horcruxes?"

A young man of Asian appearance staggered in out of still-slightly-smoking air, reeking of alcohol, holding a pair of bamboo castanets and looking around blearily. "I'm Lan Caihe. What's all the fuss about?"

A woman in the robes of a priestess also appeared, shadowed by three others. "I am Morgaine Le Fay. What is going on here?"

A giant grasshopper followed her, looked around, and tilted its head toward the sky. "Eos, seriously, let it go! Are you going to paint 'Eos + Tithonus' in the stars next?"

While the Hogwarts defenders exchanged confused looks, as confused as the priestess, there was very, very little that could faze Luna Lovegood. "We're talking about Horcruxes. They're supposed to be very dark magic."

Morgaine huffed indignantly. "Only in the wrong hands. I killed a man who was trying to kill me, and made a Horcrux so that I could watch over my half-brother until he awakens again."

Voldemort was not about to be shown up by a blonde-haired teenager that most thought to be not only around the twist, but already cheerfully skipping down the twisted path. He cut in, though not as impressively as he might wished. "But – but – Horcruxes are the blackest of Dark Magic! I created seven so that I could become immortal and the greatest Dark Lord of all time!"

Morgaine and Elizabeth exchanged the commiserating, long-suffering look of a woman who has already explained something repeatedly, and knows that she is going to have to do so several more times before her audience gets the message. "Well, the Murdering An Innocent Victim part certainly gives the impression of being Dark, but a Horcrux doesn't automatically make you the be-all and the end-all."

Lan Caihe broke in with a hiccup. "Look, it's not like I meant to kill the man! I was passed out drunk! He tripped over me and fell wrong, could have happened to anybody! He stepped on my bladder and I went to the bathroom, but mistook a heavenly crane for the stairs. I was still holding my castanets, and boom, Immortality!"

The two Dark Ladies pretended not to have heard him, except for another long-suffering look. "And, really, calling yourself '_**Flight from Death'**_? Not really that impressive, as far as names go. Besides, the _really_ great Dark Rulers are the ones who make people think they are historically misunderstood, like Mary Surratt and La Marinche, or the ones who aren't remembered at all because they just _didn't get caught!"_

"Or the ones who ruled from behind the scenes or in the name of their husbands, like The Dragon Lady. Now _that_ was a Dark One."

Neville had taken the opportunity to quietly sneak up and behead Nagini. Preoccupied with the appearance of the other four Horcrux users, Voldemort barely noticed. "If you are all so wonderful, why does the world think you are dead?

Morgaine looked at Voldemort as though he were a particularly dim-witted child. "Well, there isn't much use in wandering the world when I'm supposed to be guarding my brother, is there? People think I'm alive, and they want to hunt me down as an evil witch, or want to bring Arthur back _now,_ or want to hear the 'true' version of events. Being thought dead has drastically cut down on the number of interruptions, I assure you."

Elizabeth agreed with her fellow witch. "You think that damn cousin of mine didn't make sure every authority in Europe knew what I looked like? Faking my death and lying low for a half-century or so, at least until everyone who could cause trouble for me was no longer a problem, was the best way to go."

Voldemort made another spluttering noise. "Your deaths were documented or at least unanimously agreed upon when your spells and influence broke!"

Lan Caihe smirked, an odd look on his cheerful face. "So was yours, as I recall."

Koschei waved a dismissive hand. "Oh, the heart was a decoy. Really, going to those lengths to make something untouchable practically screams "Important Object Here!" In the name of Professional Pride, I hope you didn't make your Horcruxes so obvious. A few rituals to make sure I didn't need a heart, the murder of the first few Noble Idiots who wanted to make a name for themselves, make a Horcrux out of a battered cooking pot that no one will pick out of twenty others, and there you go."

The giant grasshopper glared at nothing in particular, as much as an oversized insect can glare. "At least most of you did it willingly! I had the titan of the dawn fall in love with me, but she forgot to give everlasting vitality with the everlasting life! Gods were smiting people right and left back then, but I was old enough that I don't think anyone noticed the difference when she accidentally changed me from a man into a grasshopper!"

Koschei looked sympathetic. "The things women do for love, right? That prince would never have even known where to look for my heart if my servant girl hadn't given him step-by-step instructions."

Harry figured that his plans for a surprise 'resurrection' were pretty much shot, and, with Horcruxes apparently being not as rare as everyone had originally thought, was likely to get him labeled 'Dark' (Again), he might as well get up. "Actually, we already found and destroyed six of them. Using relics of the founders wasn't exactly subtle, you know, and Neville just offed the last one."

Voldemort started to shriek in rage at the sight of his headless-but-still-twitching familiar, then stopped and threw up his hands. "How many times to I have to possess or kill the same wretched boy? And my followers were supposed to be watching my soon-to-be slaves! How did the Longbottom Boy even get that close? Honestly, between him and the incompetent idiots I call Death Eaters, is this all really worth it?"

Well, it wasn't much in the way of Heroic Banter, but since Harry's 'Get Out Of Dying Free' card had just been used up, he wasn't complaining. He might be dense at times, but he wasn't that stupid. "I'm afraid you'll never find out!"

A quick cutting curse, and Voldemort was defeated.

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Now they just had to deal with the others. "Um, I don't suppose I could convince you to just go away quietly?"

With his (admittedly considerable) experience with Evil Villains, Harry had been expecting them to put up a fight and probably exterminate the lot of them. He, along with nearly everyone else, was therefore understandably surprised when they didn't refuse by way of throwing spells and curses at everyone.

Morgaine looked up from where she was being quizzed by Hermione and chatting with Luna, which Harry found more than a little worrying (He loved his best friend, but she was scary enough, without a ten-minute crash-course by one of England's most notorious witches), and sighed. "I suppose I do need to get back to my brother. Do try to avoid any more of his ilk popping up for at least a few decades."

She and her trio of shadows simply faded out of view as Koschei threw an arm around Tithonus's shoulders. "Let's go for a drink. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to talk with someone who won't start protesting that the woman is always sweetness, light and innocence in the whole mess."

Tithonus nodded, in as much as a grasshopper could. "Never the girl's fault, even when she engineered the whole thing from start to finish. There's this great pub in Assyria where they have a great policy of 'Don't ask, don't tell'…"

They also vanished as Elizabeth Bathory and Lan Caihe exchanged looks. The Blood Countess glanced around. "I already have eternal youth and eternal beauty. Why throw in the hassle of ruling the world, especially when I'd have to re-build it from the ground up?"

A shimmer, and she was gone. The immortal drunkard bowed. "Really, there's more fun to be had in being an embarrassment to my seven kin. I doubt I will see any of you again."

He winked at Su Li, who looked faintly traumatized at the attention, and also vanished.

The remaining combatants looked around at each other in bemusement. There was several moments' silence, then a flurry of activity.

Couples fell into each other's arms. Families sought each other out and wept with either joy or grief, depending on the condition of their loved ones. Death Eaters tried to make a break for it, but were brought down by those who were still paying attention to possible dangers.

All was in no way well, but it was getting there.

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_A/N: One of the strange and most likely stupid ideas that come to me in the Far-Too-Early hours of the morning and don't let me sleep until they are written. Feel free to call me insane and provide directions to the nearest loony bin. All of the best people are mad, or we wouldn't be writing Fanfiction._

_Constructive Criticism is much appreciated, but Flames are ignored and laughed at. If you want to tell me that my story sucks, please be good enough to say WHY it sucked. _

_Thanks, Nat _

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_Mythological Figures: _

_**Koschei the Deathless:** A figure in Slavic Mythology who could not be killed because he removed his heart, hiding it inside a number of animals and guarded by a dragon._

_**Lan Caihe:** One of the Eight Immortals of Chinese Mythology. Often shown in a drunken stupor, he ascended by being drunk in a tavern, going to the bathroom, but climbing on a heavenly swan or crane._

_**Morgaine Le Fay:** Half-sister of King Arthur. Sometimes shown as an antagonist, she was one of four women who brought Arthur to Avalon, where some say he is only sleeping until Britain needs him again. I was tempted to make it Arthur who made a Horcrux, but thought that would be stretching it._

_Historical Figures:_

___**Elizabeth Bathory:** __The Blood Countess. She and four others were accused of murdering over 600 young women. Rumours said that Elizabeth bathed in their blood to remain young._

_**Mary Surratt:** First woman to be executed in the U.S.A. Charged with conspiracy to assassinate President Lincoln, but there is a lot of debate over whether she was truly guilty._

_**La Marinche/Dona Marina:** An Aztec slave who served as an interpreter for Cortez. The Aztec, Indian and Yucatan people saw her as a harlot and traitor, while the white foreigners call her a heroine for enabling Cortez to communicate, absolving her by saying that she was given to Cortez as a slave and didn't have a choice._

_**The Dragon Lady:** Jiang Quig, Deputy and Co-Leader of the Chinese Communist Party, and driving force behind the Cultural Revolution of China. Sources estimate the death-toll from that 10-year period to be well over 500,000._


End file.
